So I'll start at the beginning of last week, I get to work to find that one of our migrants (who incidently has only foot - this fact makes his exploits far more impressive!) has registered his protest at not being granted asylum by travelling to Limassol and climbing to the top of an 80 foot high crane. Once atop this crane he starts to threaten to jump and hurt his children unless he is treated humanely. After intense negotiations with the Republic Of Cyprus' Police he climbs down whereupon he is arrested by them and certified as a loony by a Cypriot Doctor - a judge is duly called who refuses to commit him as he is "a British problem" - so CyPol bring him back to the base whereupon our gallant boys in blue decline to detain him unless they get it in writing from somebody senior at ten o'clock on a Sunday night. This isn't forthcoming so they re-admit said loony to the camp where they will (on double time) keep an eye on him. Monday morning my phone is red hot with calls to and from the Police asking what to do, the Attorney General's Office telling me what the Police should do, me telling them to do it, them declining (basically because they are scared to do anything), until eventually they are ordered to detain him under the Mental Health laws. Six police officers (or 19 depending on who you believe) get him to the back of a Police van, where he asks if he can nip back to his tent because he's forgotten something, he is allowed to go and get whatever it is he's forgotten, whereupon our one footed resident loony legs it and climbs to the top of the tallest silo on camp and starts throwing things at the boys in blue!
At this point my week has got of to quite a humorous start - laughing at the ineptitude of the SBA Police is always good! Unfortunately my smugness doesn't last long - my lot have a damn good try at outdoing the incompetence demonstrated by their Police colleagues, I think they were attempting to show solidarity maybe?
It all starts so well, a foreign national is identified trying to come through our check points with a false Greek ID card - he's intercepted and arrested. If the film stopped here we'd all be getting awards and medals however.......my lot decide not to handcuff him and take him into a search room, where they decide not to search him (despite instructions to do so)- they call the Republic Immigration service and the guy is on a wanted list - so the Republic will come at get him. After receiving this information my gallant band of brothers and sisters decide to offer their prisoner a drink - only to find he's not where they left him. Perhaps he's gone to the toilet they think. A full search of the toilet indicates he's not there - at which point is dawns on them that he's buggered off because they didn't bother to guard the door of the room he was detained in. As a result a suspected attempted murderer is still on the loose somewhere in Cyprus and it's our fault!
Monday this week comes,it can't be as bad as last week thinks I as I head off to work - again it starts OK, no dramas over the weekend, coffee on my desk when I arrive it's all good. About 11 o clock I get a phone call from Beccy, while she's been at work somebody has come and cut off the electricity! I ring Cyprus electricity board, negotiate my way through the usual press * for English, press 1 for bills etc etc etc and eventually speak to a person
"Ne" he says,
I ask in my best Greek "Milate Anglikka" he replies that yes of course he can speak English. So off I go telling him my problem, I've been cut off I say, I give him my account number.H
e tells me that's not my account it's an old account can I give him the number on my bill.
I tell him I've not received a bill, this account number is the one they gave me when I transferred the account to my name.
He says I have had a bill, I haven't paid it and they've texted me as well.
I tell him honestly I haven't had a bill and I certainly haven't had a text how much do I owe.
He says it's on my bill,
I say I haven't had a bill
This goes on for a while until he decides that he's had enough and just hangs up!
I ring again, eventually I speak to a girl, who is actually very helpful. They sent me a bill in January she tells me. I say that I haven't had one but how can we sort it out. Come down and pay the 440 euros outstanding in cash now and you'll be reconnected this afternoon. So I head to the bank scrabble down the back of the sofa and knock together 440 euros and on a hunch go and check a letter box around the corner which despite the house being clearly empty is absolutely stuffed full of post. There in amongst the leaflets for Lidl and Trocodearos Pizza are electricity bills not just addressed to me, but also to about half of Oroklini - the postman clearly couldn't be arsed on electricity bill day. Anyway off I go to the Electricity board, with my money and my bill, where they kindly relieved me of said 440 euros and weren't at all bothered or surprised that the bills were in somebody else's letterbox!
And don't get me started on my shower of a football team!!!!!!
Now sometimes I think - why are you bothering with this Reed lad, when I have those thoughts I tune in at 20-00 our time, to watch the Boris Johnson show (sorry the six o'clock news) and follow it up by watching that Polish sounding bloke present the weather and think to myself here's why!